I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
