Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
