At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I'm at about main and main street
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
It all started with a game of naked twister.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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