And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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