not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
