I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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