I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
