My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Randomize
