lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
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