i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
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