Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
