You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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