This dress was meant to end up on your floor
the condom got lost in my hair
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
