Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
