You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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