my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
