She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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