my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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