the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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