Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Randomize
