I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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