just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Life is so much better after having sex.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Randomize
