mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Randomize
