I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
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