I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
