I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Randomize
