She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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