Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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