She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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