It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
