My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
