She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
