I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
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You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
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Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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