He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
