I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
