I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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