I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Randomize
