I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
