ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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