lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
