Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
