had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
She bit a glass in half.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
