I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
