I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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