my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
