Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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