i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
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EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
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He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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