My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
