So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
