Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
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I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
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bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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