dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
