"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
