The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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