my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize