it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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