there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
